How to teach empathy to toddlers and preschoolers

Empathy is trying to understand how someone else feels. Children start learning it early: by age 2, most notice when someone is hurt or upset, and by 4, most will comfort a friend who’s sad. You help it grow by naming feelings, theirs and other people’s, by showing them empathy yourself, and by giving them small chances to help. The rest of this guide is what that looks like at each age, from the CDC, Zero to Three and Harvard’s Making Caring Common.

What is empathy, for a young child?

For a 3-year-old, empathy might sound like “She’s crying. Maybe she’s sad.” It becomes caring when they do something about it, like bringing the crying child her teddy.

Making Caring Common, at Harvard’s Graduate School of Education, puts it this way: “Children are born with the capacity for empathy, but it needs to be nurtured throughout their lives.” It compares empathy to learning a language or a sport. It takes practice, and it keeps growing.

What does empathy look like at each age?

The CDC’s milestones are things most children, 75% or more, can do by a certain age. These are the ones that show empathy starting.

• 18 months to 2 years. Zero to Three says toddlers start to realize that other people have their own thoughts and feelings, which may be different from theirs. By 2, the CDC says most children notice when others are hurt or upset, “like pausing or looking sad when someone is crying.” They also look at your face to see how to react in a new situation.
• By 3. Most children notice other children and join them to play, the CDC says. They’re still very focused on themselves, and that’s expected. Zero to Three says, “Your child probably won’t be a perfectly empathetic being by age three.”
• By 4. Most children comfort others who are hurt or sad, “like hugging a crying friend,” and like to be a helper, according to the CDC.
• By 5. Most follow rules or take turns when playing games with other children, the CDC says. Taking turns means keeping someone else’s wants in mind next to your own.

If you’re worried about your child’s development, talk to your pediatrician. The CDC’s milestone checklists are a good place to start that conversation.

How can you help empathy grow?

• Show them empathy first. Zero to Three suggests naming your child’s feelings and offering comfort. If a barking dog frightens them, you might say, “That was loud. You were scared.” Making Caring Common says children learn empathy “both from watching us and from experiencing our empathy for them.”
• Talk about other people’s feelings. The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (CSEFEL) gives an example: “Joey bumped his head on the slide. How do you think Joey feels?” Zero to Three suggests pointing out how a playmate feels when a toy is taken away.
• Suggest something to do. Once they’ve noticed, give them a way to help. Zero to Three’s example is getting ice for a friend’s bump.
• Play it out. Zero to Three suggests pretend play: have a stuffed animal show a feeling or a problem, then ask your child how the bear feels and what would help.
• Go beyond “Say sorry.” Instead of only asking for the words, Zero to Three suggests turning your child’s attention to how the other child feels, and checking together whether she’s okay.
• Read together. Stop on a page where a character’s face shows a feeling and ask what they might be feeling. There’s a list of picture books about empathy by age.
• Widen the circle. Making Caring Common says the question isn’t only how much empathy children have, but who they have it for. Children notice how we treat people outside the family: “They’ll notice if we treat a server in a restaurant or a mail carrier as if they’re invisible.”
• Help with big feelings first. A child who is upset can’t think about anyone else yet. Making Caring Common notes, “Often when children don’t express empathy it’s not because they don’t have it.” Calm comes first, and then the noticing.

Zero to Three’s last tip is the one to remember on hard days: be patient. Empathy is a complex skill, and it takes time.

Watching instead of guessing

Babies and toddlers can’t always say what’s wrong, so understanding them starts with watching. In Book One, A Light for Tavi, Niko and Lira can’t work out why their baby brother is crying. Then Lira says, “We keep guessing. Let’s watch him instead.” Book One’s questions and activities turn that into a game, and there are seven more short ones in empathy activities for kids.