How to prepare a toddler for a new baby

Talk about the baby in everyday moments, read picture books about new brothers and sisters together, and let your toddler help you get ready. Make big changes, like a new bed or toilet training, well before the baby comes, or wait until the baby has settled in. Once the baby is home, expect a little going backward, keep some time each day just for your older child, and give them small ways to help. That’s the short version of the advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and UNICEF. If the baby is already home and the jealousy has started, see when a toddler is jealous of the new baby.

When should you tell a toddler about the new baby?

The AAP suggests bringing the baby up in everyday moments: when you’re buying things for the nursery, or when your child asks about your growing belly. Some hospitals run a class for big brothers and sisters, and the AAP suggests signing up if yours does.

For 1- and 2-year-olds, UNICEF suggests talking about the baby with enthusiasm, reading or telling stories about becoming a big brother or sister, and letting them look after a pretend baby of their own. A doll and a blanket are plenty.

What helps before the baby comes?

• Read books about new babies together. Both the AAP and UNICEF recommend it, and a story is an easy way to start talking about what a newborn is like. (Book One of this series, A Light for Tavi, is about two older siblings looking after their baby brother for an evening, and finding out that watching him closely tells them what he needs.)
• Let them help plan. The AAP suggests taking your preschooler along to shop for baby things. Picking the baby’s socks or a blanket gives them a part in it.
• Time the big changes. If you can, finish toilet training or the move from a crib to a bed before the baby arrives, the AAP says. If that isn’t possible, wait until the baby is settled at home.

What helps after the baby is home?

• Expect a little going backward. Toilet accidents or wanting a bottle are normal, the AAP says, and they’re a way of asking for reassurance. It suggests praising your child when they act more grown-up, instead of telling them to act their age.
• Keep some time just for them. Both the AAP and UNICEF suggest setting aside one-on-one time with your older child: reading, playing or just talking, even for a few minutes a day.
• Invite them to help. The AAP suggests letting your child cuddle up next to you during feedings. UNICEF suggests finding ways to include them in caring for the baby, and telling them what a great big brother or sister they are when they’re loving with the baby.
• Make room for mixed feelings. UNICEF notes that a new baby often brings a mixture of joy and jealousy, and that crying, yelling and waking at night are common in toddlers and preschoolers while they adjust. If your child says “Send the baby back,” you can name the feeling (“It’s a big change, isn’t it?”) without scolding it.

Small jobs a toddler can do

Little jobs help a big brother or sister feel needed. A few that work at 2 or 3:

• Bring a diaper or the wipes.
• Pick which song to sing to the baby.
• Choose the baby’s socks.
• Tell you when the baby wakes up.
• Turn the pages of a picture book while you read to the baby.
• Say a gentle hello to the baby’s feet, with you right there.

A grown-up always holds and lifts the baby. A toddler’s job is to help, never to be in charge.

Watching the baby together

Babies can’t say what they need, so they show it: they reach, they turn toward a sound, they go quiet when they’re held a certain way. Even a toddler can join in, and it can become a game. “The baby’s crying. What do you think she needs?” Then look together for the clues.

That’s the heart of A Light for Tavi, where Lira says, “We keep guessing. Let’s watch him instead.” Book One’s questions and activities include a “Watch, don’t guess” game and a few ideas for a new big brother or sister.

If you’re worried about how your child is adjusting, talk to your pediatrician.