When a toddler is jealous of the new baby

It’s normal for a toddler to be jealous of a new baby. UNICEF says a new family member “can bring a mixture of joy and jealousy,” and that it’s common for toddlers and preschoolers to cry and yell more, wake at night, or act like a baby again once the baby comes home. What helps most, according to UNICEF and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP): some time alone with you every day, small ways to help with the baby, praise when they’re gentle, and patience while they adjust. If the baby isn’t here yet, start with how to prepare a toddler for a new baby.

What does jealousy look like in a toddler?

UNICEF lists the changes it sees most often in toddlers and preschoolers after a new brother or sister arrives:

• Crying and yelling.
• Acting like a baby, or forgetting toilet training.
• Waking during the night.

The AAP adds accidents and wanting a bottle, and calls them normal. It describes them as “your older child’s way of making sure they still have your love and attention.” Preschoolers, it says, may feel they have to compete for you.

What helps a jealous toddler?

• Time alone with them. The AAP suggests a one-on-one date with a toddler, and special time each day with a preschooler: reading, games, music or just talking. UNICEF suggests as much of it as you’re able, and says grandparents and close relatives can give it too. The AAP calls a new baby “a great opportunity for partners and other family members to spend time alone with older children.”
• Let them be little for a while. The AAP says not to tell them to act their age. Give them the attention they’re asking for, and praise them when they act more grown-up.
• Give them a job. “You want to make sure your child feels included and not excluded,” the AAP says. Small jobs for a 2- or 3-year-old are in the guide to getting ready.
• Notice when they’re gentle. UNICEF suggests praising good behavior, especially when your child is loving toward the baby.
• Remind them how much they’ve grown. UNICEF suggests recognizing how far your child has come since they were a baby. Their own baby pictures make that easy to talk about.
• Ask visitors to say hello to them first. The AAP suggests asking family and friends to spend time with your older child when they come to see the baby. Some may bring a small gift for them too.
• Give it time. “It is natural that it takes some time for children to adjust,” UNICEF says.

A grown-up stays close whenever a toddler is near the baby. The AAP says older children can hold the baby, but they must ask you first.

What can you say to a jealous toddler?

When they say “Send the baby back.” Name the feeling without scolding it: “It’s a big change, isn’t it? You can always tell me when you feel cross about the baby.” CSEFEL, the early-learning center at Vanderbilt University, suggests a line you can use with any big feeling: “It’s ok to tell me how you feel, but it’s not ok to hurt others or things when you feel angry.”

When the baby cries. “The baby’s crying. What do you think she needs?” Then look for the clues together. It turns the baby from a rival into someone to figure out, and your toddler gets to be the expert.

When they want to be the baby. “You were a tiny baby once too. Want to see?” Then get out the photos, and let them have a cuddle like a baby if they ask for one.

Watching the baby together

In Book One, A Light for Tavi, Niko and Lira try everything they can think of to stop their baby brother crying. Then Lira says, “We keep guessing. Let’s watch him instead.” It’s a story about two older siblings learning to understand a baby who can’t tell them what’s wrong. There are more books like it in books for new big brothers and sisters.

If you’re worried about how your child is adjusting, talk to your pediatrician.